I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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