I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
