I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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