The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
