I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
