I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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