im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
