I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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