Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
