And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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