someone get that fucking seahorse.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
