this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize