My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Enjoy the penises
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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