I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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