Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
