I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
