I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
