She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
