I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
