If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
