everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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