i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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