I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
