I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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