do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
