My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
