i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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