So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
