How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
