What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
