dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
