Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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