i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
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the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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