Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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