are you still at the devil's house?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
