i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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