i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
