Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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