I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
