...so i touched it.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
