just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
