I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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