I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
