I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
