the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
