having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
