Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
