i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
