I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
