Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We just shotgunned beers for America
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Randomize
