So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
