he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
