Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
