I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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