I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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