No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
