if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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