The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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