What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
